Wednesday, December 11, 2013

A Guide For The Unsophisticated Slop Dropper: Flush

I have never potty trained a child but I was, myself, potty trained and I'm pretty sure that I remember one of the key tenants of potty training being flush the toilet after you use it.

I assume that the fully grown human beings surrounding me every single day were also once potty trained. However, it seems that FLUSHING THE TOILET 101 was an elective and not a mandatory course requirement.

Whenever I go into a public restroom I have to flush the toilets. Every. Single. Time. Why? Why aren't these women flushing their bidness off to the depths of the city sewer system?

At least twice a day this happens;
Stall 1: Goddamn it!
Stall 2: EIW!
Stall 3: What the hell is that?
Handicap Stall: Fucking hell.

And then:

You know that when a toilet is flushed it sprays shit and piss three feet into the air where it lingers and waits for us to breath, right? You all know this. Everybody knows this that's why we flush and get the hell outta there.

So it's not like I'm primly walking through the public shithouse just flush, flush, flush, la, dee, da. I'm balanced on my right foot with my left elbow on the stall wall using my left foot to maneuver the water-saving-dual-flush handle up for #1 and down for #2 while covering my mouth and nose with my left forearm. I'm like a fucking Circ De Soleil acrobat in there. Except in the handicap stall where the flushy thing is on the other side of the toilet and my delicate balance is thrown off making the risk of falling into stranger shit, like, 98%.

Anyway, after all this I obviously can't use the bathroom because there's all that shit and piss in the air. Shit and piss from other people's bodies is in the air all around me! It's on my hair, my skin, my clothes! It's on my lips.

I can't use another bathroom because you know the situation isn't any better over there. I am going to get kidney disease or stones or some kidney related disease because half the women's mothers never explained that there isn't a monster in the toilet so FLUSH THE FUCKING THING and now I can't pee anywhere but at home.

The other half of the women what? What is happening in the stall that makes them leave their slop droppings behind? Do they think I want to admire their endeavors? Like "Oh wow. Look at that shit. LOOK AT IT! I wish my shit could be as smooth and as cylindrical as this shit." or "Somebody remembered to take her vitamins this morning. Good on her!" (Because vitamins make our pee fluorescent yellow. I'm helping you out in case you don't take a multivitamin). (Psst, take a daily multivitamin, People).

Have they been in the stall for so long tugging up Spanx and tucking in shirts that they've forgotten they just peed out a quart of soda and used half a roll of toilet paper so they walk away like "How'd I get in the bathroom?"

Can society get lower than not removing their own waste when the technology is not only readily available but so simple to use that a dog can do it? I just don't know.

Somebody get this dog a Mensa card.