Quick! Act Professional.

Today rounds out my first full month of work... in an office. Every. Single. Day.

We're all having trouble adjusting.

This one has opted to start sleep-shitting instead of adjusting

I'm a consultant and my last gig was pretty sweet because I worked from home! In the consulting world it's rare to get a contract that allows you to work from home. I was spoiled. I got used to it. I forgot basic things about being in public. Like manners and pretending to care appropriate interaction with others so I made a list.

Things I have to remember now that I don't work from home...

• Don't fart.
• Don't crack my gum or blow bubbles. According to the lady in the cube in front of me, gum cracking makes people homicidal.
• I'm very loud. I think these people are going to have to get used to it.
• Other people don't eat five times a day. They only give me the stink eye because they're jealous.
• Don't walk around the office barefoot because eiw. 
• Don't sit Indian style, especially when wearing a skirt.
• Constantly getting up to stand at my desk or wander around the office appears to be something only weirdos do.
• My coworkers will assume I'm doing lines in the bathroom because I drink about 60oz of water, coffee, and tea which means I will knock people down on my way to the bathroom every 30 minutes.
• Seriously, don't fart.
• And don't burp either.
• Don't pick my nose or my ass.
• People will roam the halls and streets with their heads up their asses phones and when they crash into me it will be my fault because I'm;
• clumsy
• lazy
• an idiot
• all of the above
• Wear pants - all the time. No exceptions.
• People will ask how my weekend was. Every day they will ask. They will ask on Monday, they will ask on Thursday. The only acceptable answer is "Good!" and then I must reciprocate by asking what they did this weekend and hiding how utterly painful this conversation is.
• Beginning at 10am on Friday's people will want to know if I have BIG PLANS! this weekend. Acceptable answers are:
• Nope, just relaxing.
• Nothing much, just relaxing.
• BASE JUMPING! yelled very loudly.
• Unacceptable answers to the BIG PLANS! question are;
• Stalker much?
• Fuck off.
• COW TIPPING! yelled very loudly

Stay tuned for stories of epic awkward and embarrassing moments. I've already been caught flexing in the bathroom mirror and face down, ass up under a conference table.

I'm so professional they're erecting a statue in my honor