Peter Pan Figured It Out And So Have I

“Growing up is a trap," snapped Dr. Robbins. "When they tell you to shut up, they mean stop talking. When they tell you to grow up, they mean stop growing. Reach a nice level plateau and settle there, predictable and unchanging, no longer a threat.” 

- Tom Robbins, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues

I have been accused of weaseling my way out of "grown up" life... in my own brilliant way. I don't know what that means.

This is by no means an unusual occurrence. At least once a week somebody tells me that I'm not a "grown up". It hurts. A lot. It implies that these people don't respect me. They don't see me as an equal (which may actually be complimentary). They certainly don't appear to value my life experience and struggles. Worst of all, they seem to want to be the adult to the child they think I am.

Why do so many people tell me that I'm not "grown up"?

Is it because;

1. I'm a happy, positive, optimistic person? (I am, I took the test.)
2. I don't have/want kids and am not married in the traditional sense?
3. My hair is purple and I have tattoos?
4. Once a month I have Baked Cheetos for breakfast?

Do these few things negate everything that defines me as a responsible and good citizen of the world or at least my neighborhood?

There is far more evidence to show that I do, in fact, suffer from the suckage that comes with being a "grown up", the definition of which continues to elude even my most vigorous of anthropological investigations;

• I have a mortgage that is paid on time every month. Ditto on the car payment.
• I have a job that I relish while attending it regularly at least five days a week.
• I never miss an appointment - as long as it's on my calendar.
• I run the dog training program at the local prison. Strictly volunteer and from the heart. 
• The NC Department of Public Safety trusts me!
• I provide people training for dog owners without a whisper of monetary compensation even if I notice their 60" flat screen TV.
• I feed my fish daily and sometimes remember to clean the tank if they behave themselves. Ditto on the dogs. Except the tank part, the dogs don't live in a tank.
• I go to extremes to keep my behaviorally challenged (aggressive, reactive, fearful) dogs safe from the public and vice versa. 
• I was a CFO for the largest consulting firm in the world for four years. There was math and it was hard. 

What does it mean to be "grown up" anyway? Should I let society define me, should I define myself or do I remain beyond definition? I'm still not sure. Right now I feel happy, my booty is doctor certified healthy and I straight up shit rainbows.

Lord Help Us, It Snowed In The South

Hey Southerners, here's some things you should know about snow, cars and driving.

1. Don't remove snow from your car with a shovel, you idiot. Use a broom. Preferably a push-broom and watch the paint job.

2. That snow you couldn't be bothered to clear off the top of your car? It's going to kill the person driving behind you when it flies off and hits their windshield, blinding them or breaking it. Either way, the poor schmuck behind you is going off roading because you couldn't be bothered to take a broom to the roof of your car, you lazy bastard.

3. Clear the snow off your headlights and tail lights. It's not rocket science. Snow isn't see through.

4. Stop fucking tailgating. Assholes.

5. Your windshield washer fluid is frozen because mechanics in the South don't believe it gets this cold. Put a bottle of water & dishsoap in your car to spray on your windshield so you can see where the hell you're going.

6. Go home and stay there. Nobody can drive on ice. Nobody.

7. Stop complaining. It snows like this down here once a decade. Fucking enjoy it.

Seriously, how Jacquie Lawson sappy e-card perfect is this scene?

Turns out that Sidekick is a genius.

Why I Don't Have Girlfriends

For the record -

1. I don't hate women. Women harbor a strong dislike for me, not the other way around.
2. I am a woman.
3. I find people of all genders to be annoying, not only women but most definitely people that squeal while jumping up and down.

I came across the video below on Upworthy today. I don't understand the women in this video at all. I cannot empathize with them and I spend a lot of time every day trying to empathize with people so I can practice not being a complete asshole. Point is, I've got this empathy thing down. It's not me, it's them.

Watch this:

What's the message here? Are college graduates ready to take on the world? No. They never are - because the world hits you in the face like a fucking sledge hammer. It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman. Reality will cut a bitch.

Wait, maybe this is about being afraid? Afraid of what? Men have the same fears that these women are talking about. Men are afraid of failure too. Men are afraid of not fitting in too. I know men that are afraid of the weird man in their closet. See, it's not just me.

Why is that woman afraid to be a musician (aside from the broke, homeless, struggling artist thing)? Why is the other woman afraid to admit to being an Emmy award winning writer? Or a ballerina? When will I learn how to spell ballArina (thank you spell check for correcting my accent)?

Maybe it's because I'm not sweet or maybe it's because I'm not nice or maybe it's because I'm not beautiful that I have been told, all my life, that my biggest asset is my brain.

For as long as I can remember people have told me that I'm smart.

I'm intelligent.

I have a good head on my shoulders.

I have common sense.

And street smarts. (Is that the same as common sense?)

I'm a fucking genius.

My parents, my teachers, my siblings, my friends - they've always told me that I'm a natural born leader. And you know what? When I graduated college I never would have thought of myself as a leader. Because I was a kid and kids just graduating college don't know anything about themselves or what they want to be when they grow up. Because they are babies and have yet to experience the game of Life and all its joys.

Maybe the fact that I've always been told I'm smart and can be anything I want to be and everybody I know will still love me is why I don't understand why the women in that video are afraid of - what? What are they afraid of? I totally don't understand this video. Women are so fucking difficult.

Ladies, you are holding yourselves back! Get out there and go get what you want. It's 2013 for Christ's sake!

Women. Rule. The. Fucking. World.

Nothing would ever happen if we weren't getting shit done so stop letting The Man get you down. We're already doing everything you say you're afraid of. Come join us. We've been running the show since the dawn of time.

Grow a vagina and fucking fill it with Girl Power.