Local schools have a two hour delay tomorrow. Not for snow. Not for freezing rain. There's a two hour delay because it's going to be cold in the morning. The school official types don't want kids to have to wait for their busses in near zero temperatures. Fucking pussies.
Parents, you need to toughen these kids up. Yeah, I know we're in The South but c'mon. Kids can't stand in the cold for 10 minutes?
When I was a kid we didn't have delays because it was cold. Fuck the cold! We had delays for real, tangible shit like a foot of snow or a goddamn hurricane. We also had a school superintendent from Nova Scotia so we didn't have snow days either.
I say that if these kids can zip down a ski slope at top speed or sit in a hunting blind for hours in freezing temperatures, they can certainly wait for a bus for a few minutes in single digit temps.
I don't know, how about dressing the kids in winter clothes or waiting with them? In your warm car.
It's probably a good thing I don't have kids because my tough ass kids would stuff all those cold kids in their lockers. Also, I'd want those kids out of my house as often as possible.
Even in 1989 we knew how to dress for The Cold. Oakleys, Guess jeans and Timberland boots. That's how the cool kids did it.
I have never potty trained a child but I was, myself, potty trained and I'm pretty sure that I remember one of the key tenants of potty training being flush the toilet after you use it.
I assume that the fully grown human beings surrounding me every single day were also once potty trained. However, it seems that FLUSHING THE TOILET 101 was an elective and not a mandatory course requirement.
Whenever I go into a public restroom I have to flush the toilets. Every. Single. Time. Why? Why aren't these women flushing their bidness off to the depths of the city sewer system?
At least twice a day this happens;
Stall 1: Goddamn it! Stall 2: EIW! Stall 3: What the hell is that? Handicap Stall: Fucking hell.
And then:
Flush Flush Flush Flush
You know that when a toilet is flushed it sprays shit and piss three feet into the air where it lingers and waits for us to breath, right? You all know this. Everybody knows this that's why we flush and get the hell outta there.
So it's not like I'm primly walking through the public shithouse just flush, flush, flush, la, dee, da. I'm balanced on my right foot with my left elbow on the stall wall using my left foot to maneuver the water-saving-dual-flush handle up for #1 and down for #2 while covering my mouth and nose with my left forearm. I'm like a fucking Circ De Soleil acrobat in there. Except in the handicap stall where the flushy thing is on the other side of the toilet and my delicate balance is thrown off making the risk of falling into stranger shit, like, 98%.
Anyway, after all this I obviously can't use the bathroom because there's all that shit and piss in the air. Shit and piss from other people's bodies is in the air all around me! It's on my hair, my skin, my clothes! It's on my lips.
I can't use another bathroom because you know the situation isn't any better over there. I am going to get kidney disease or stones or some kidney related disease because half the women's mothers never explained that there isn't a monster in the toilet so FLUSH THE FUCKING THING and now I can't pee anywhere but at home.
The other half of the women what? What is happening in the stall that makes them leave their slop droppings behind? Do they think I want to admire their endeavors? Like "Oh wow. Look at that shit. LOOK AT IT! I wish my shit could be as smooth and as cylindrical as this shit." or "Somebody remembered to take her vitamins this morning. Good on her!" (Because vitamins make our pee fluorescent yellow. I'm helping you out in case you don't take a multivitamin). (Psst, take a daily multivitamin, People).
Have they been in the stall for so long tugging up Spanx and tucking in shirts that they've forgotten they just peed out a quart of soda and used half a roll of toilet paper so they walk away like "How'd I get in the bathroom?"
Can society get lower than not removing their own waste when the technology is not only readily available but so simple to use that a dog can do it? I just don't know.
I don't date because I have really, really bad taste in men. People who've known me for a while can confirm that I pick some real winners. Let's review a few of my past boyfriends, shall we?
There was the guy that I caught cheating on me. Twice. (I had to climb a tree to catch him that second time but it was totally worth it.)
There was the other guy who thought we should "breed" because he was tall and I was smart. (Smart enough to get the fuck outta there.)
Then there was the guy with the secret meth lab in his house. (No word of a lie, People.)
Oh, don't forget the guy that was writing bad checks at Foxwoods Casino. (He was hot. So, so very hot.)
I got mad skillz in the Man-Picking department.
It's safe to say that if a guy has any interest in me there is something inherently wrong with him. The trouble is that I don't know there's something horribly wrong with the guy until a year or two goes by so today I had a brilliant idea!
Date a felon!*
How's that for beating the Universe at its own game? See? I am smart.
In other news, I might have made a bad decision today...
* Don't worry, People. I'm not going to date a felon but odds of someone I date being convicted of a felony look to be about 50/50.
Somebody at work gave me Rabid Monkey Flu. Or Death. Maybe it's The Cancer. My skin hurts and I have a shooting pain in my left hip. It's hip cancer, I know it. No, I bet it's ass cancer and forever my family can talk about the relative that died of ass cancer in her hip. 'Cause that's how I roll. Ass cancer of the hip. Typical.
I almost made it a decade disease free and then this. This sickness. I'm not a good sick person, I cry a lot when I'm sick. I need love. And cuddles.
Who doesn't enjoy a good fever induced dream or two, right? Last night I dreamed that I found a bag of holiday flavor Dunkin' Donuts coffee inside an empty coffee bag like I'd hidden it just so I could surprise myself in some distant future and be like "Oh snap! Look at this awesome flavored Dunkin' Donuts coffee! It's from moi? Oh moi, I love you!"
Yes, please!
Then I had another dream in which my sister told me how good I look and it's amazing how I lost those last five pounds in just ten days. Thanks, Sis. You're looking good too.
Literally, in my dreams. Also, nice jeans.
Why can't real life be just like our dreams?
Ooooh, right. Because I also had a dream that every time I tried to breathe, my nostrils sealed shut and I was surrounded by a crowd of Southern women in their fifties wearing fluorescent '80s jogging suits saying things like... "Poor thing, look at her suffocating" and "Bless her heart, she's gasping" and "Look at her just floppin' around on the ground". Never once did it occur to me to breathe through my mouth.
Then there was that other dream where I was being chased around a creepy mansion by Sally Creatures and yelling for Beast Master to help me but he completely ignored me. Kinda realistic on that point.
Maybe it's okay that fever induced dreams stay dreams. I do want that coffee though.
Today rounds out my first full month of work... in an office. Every. Single. Day.
We're all having trouble adjusting.
This one has opted to start sleep-shitting instead of adjusting
I'm a consultant and my last gig was pretty sweet because I worked from home! In the consulting world it's rare to get a contract that allows you to work from home. I was spoiled. I got used to it. I forgot basic things about being in public. Like manners and pretending to care appropriate interaction with others so I made a list.
Things I have to remember now that I don't work from home...
Don't fart.
Don't crack my gum or blow bubbles. According to the lady in the cube in front of me, gum cracking makes people homicidal.
I'm very loud. I think these people are going to have to get used to it.
Other people don't eat five times a day. They only give me the stink eye because they're jealous.
Don't walk around the office barefoot because eiw.
Don't sit Indian style, especially when wearing a skirt.
Constantly getting up to stand at my desk or wander around the office appears to be something only weirdos do.
My coworkers will assume I'm doing lines in the bathroom because I drink about 60oz of water, coffee, and tea which means I will knock people down on my way to the bathroom every 30 minutes.
Seriously, don't fart.
And don't burp either.
Don't pick my nose or my ass.
People will roam the halls and streets with their heads up their asses phones and when they crash into me it will be my fault because I'm;
clumsy
lazy
an idiot
all of the above
Wear pants - all the time. No exceptions.
People will ask how my weekend was. Every day they will ask. They will ask on Monday, they will ask on Thursday. The only acceptable answer is "Good!" and then I must reciprocate by asking what they did this weekend and hiding how utterly painful this conversation is.
Beginning at 10am on Friday's people will want to know if I have BIG PLANS! this weekend. Acceptable answers are:
Nope, just relaxing.
Nothing much, just relaxing.
BASE JUMPING! yelled very loudly.
Unacceptable answers to the BIG PLANS! question are;
Stalker much?
Fuck off.
COW TIPPING! yelled very loudly
Stay tuned for stories of epic awkward and embarrassing moments. I've already been caught flexing in the bathroom mirror and face down, ass up under a conference table.
I'm so professional they're erecting a statue in my honor
I don't hate women. Women harbor a strong dislike for me, not the other way around.
I am a woman.
I find people of all genders to be annoying, not only women but most definitely people that squeal while jumping up and down.
I came across the video below on Upworthy today. I don't understand the women in this video at all. I cannot empathize with them and I spend a lot of time every day trying to empathize with people so I can practice not being a complete asshole. Point is, I've got this empathy thing down. It's not me, it's them.
Watch this:
What's the message here? Are college graduates ready to take on the world? No. They never are - because the world hits you in the face like a fucking sledge hammer. It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman. Reality will cut a bitch.
Wait, maybe this is about being afraid? Afraid of what? Men have the same fears that these women are talking about. Men are afraid of failure too. Men are afraid of not fitting in too. I know men that are afraid of the weird man in their closet. See, it's not just me.
Why is that woman afraid to be a musician (aside from the broke, homeless, struggling artist thing)? Why is the other woman afraid to admit to being an Emmy award winning writer? Or a ballerina? When will I learn how to spell ballArina (thank you spell check for correcting my accent)?
Maybe it's because I'm not sweet or maybe it's because I'm not nice or maybe it's because I'm not beautiful that I have been told, all my life, that my biggest asset is my brain.
For as long as I can remember people have told me that I'm smart.
I'm intelligent.
I have a good head on my shoulders.
I have common sense.
And street smarts. (Is that the same as common sense?)
I'm a fucking genius.
My parents, my teachers, my siblings, my friends - they've always told me that I'm a natural born leader. And you know what? When I graduated college I never would have thought of myself as a leader. Because I was a kid and kids just graduating college don't know anything about themselves or what they want to be when they grow up. Because they are babies and have yet to experience the game of Life and all its joys.
Maybe the fact that I've always been told I'm smart and can be anything I want to be and everybody I know will still love me is why I don't understand why the women in that video are afraid of - what? What are they afraid of? I totally don't understand this video. Women are so fucking difficult.
Ladies, you are holding yourselves back! Get out there and go get what you want. It's 2013 for Christ's sake!
Women. Rule. The. Fucking. World.
Nothing would ever happen if we weren't getting shit done so stop letting The Man get you down. We're already doing everything you say you're afraid of. Come join us. We've been running the show since the dawn of time.
Grow a vagina and fucking fill it with Girl Power.
