Sunday, February 24, 2013

Writing This Made Me Stupid

It took me two weeks to think of a title for this post. Seriously. That's not a joke or an exaggeration. Two weeks. Pulling these words together into one place at one time has caused brain damage. I haven't slept in weeks, I can't focus. I can hear my brain buzzing.

Caution! Read this at your own risk. I cannot be held responsible for stupid shit that might spew from your face when you finish.

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Have you ever met a person and immediately hated them? Their mere existence in the same space-time continuum as you creates such a rage that you feel the need to punt their ass across the state line? Have you ever felt like that about someone? There are words in the English language that make me feel this way. These words will turn your face into a Crap Cannon.

Irregardless. What is this? What the hell is this!? This is by far the most ignorant and uneducated word I have ever come across in my life. NASCAR races and Pumpkin Chunkin’ contests must be rife with this word. It is a double negative, People. A double negative. Why does nobody understand that by saying IRregardLESS they have cancelled out the IR and the LESS and now we’re back to regard which is the opposite of what they were trying to say? People who say Irregardless clearly do not understand the concept of a double negative otherwise they wouldn't be spewing shit like Irregardless from their pie holes.

HeigTHHHH. This is what happens when people pronounce height as if it ends in a TH. It doesn’t. Ever. Stop rearranging letters and making shit up.

Seemingly, the most gratuitous word in the world. Oy, this sneaky sonofabitch managed to get itself into the dictionary. It’s a real word. How did that happen? I hate this word because a situation/thing/whatever either seems to be or seems not to be cute/better/an idiot. When someone says something like “I was faced with a seemingly impossible task” I want to get right in their face and whisper through clenched teeth “It either seemed to be impossible or it didn’t!” Aaaaarrrgh! Why did we make a second word that means the same. exact. thing. as the first word?

Spunky and Spunk are just gross. They are gross words that should never be used in conjunction with statements about children. “Oh that little Susie! She’s sure spunky!” Eiw! What? Who did that to her? Oh my god, find the bastard and lock him up forever! Or “Honey, did you meet the neighbor’s new puppy? He’s sure got spunk” and then she’s all “You sick freak! Why would you do that to a puppy?” right before she calls the police on her husband.

Cloogy gives me that good old fashioned nails-on-chalkboard feeling. It's the latest buzz word in Corporate America. Cloogy is all the rage! The moment the word is shot out of a crap cannon, all I can picture is George Clooney spunkin’ up the place.
Employee #1: “I was working on the presentation all morning and then my computer went all cloogy!”
Employee #2: “Goddamn it, George!”

I've just done you a favor, People. Don't use these words. Especially don't use them if you're trying to impress somebody and if you use them at work because everybody else says them... well, you're breathing my air and that's a problem. Using words like vociferous is impressive. Using nonsensical, made up words like irregardless is not impressive. Are we clear?

On the other end of the spectrum is the best word in the world. Dongle! Seriously, whoever decided to name the thingy that takes data from here and moves it to there a dongle is my hero. Dongle is genius! Think about it. Silly word, world wide corporate acceptance, suckers! The guy who decided to call a dongle a dongle is probably sitting around, dangling a dongle and saying "Do you believe I named this thing a dongle and everybody just went with it?" Do you think anybody was like "Dongle? What are we? Five? That's the silliest word ever!"?

In other news, Beast Master's junk is now called The Dongle. Which, if you think about it, is accurate.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Six Excellent Reasons To Break My Leg On The Way To The Airport

I’m going to Detroit tomorrow for work and I might shit my pants. Seriously. I’m dreading this trip but not because of work. I like my job. I really, really like the people I work with. They are awesome and fun and nice and my job keeps me busy so I pretty much hit the jackpot here. I’m dreading this trip because:

  1. I’ve had a stomach thing going on for almost two weeks that involves incredible amounts of horrific, intestine twisting pain and acid gas.
  2. I’m allergic to just about every food out there and always starve when I go on trips. Being forced to starve by a world that doesn't give a fuck about food allergies makes me feel stabby. If there’s a chance, though, that starving will cure this stomach thing I'm down wit it. Jiggy. That's me.
  3. I don’t know how to sleep while waiting to be murdered in my hotel room without Sidekick pressed up against my back so I will sleep a total of 6 hours in 3 days which will result in me fucking up work, over sleeping and missing a flight because that’s how shit goes down when I travel. Once, I fell asleep in the terminal and missed my flight. The Crumb at the desk said they paged me like 10 times. HELLO! I. Was. Right. There!!!
  4. I’m traveling with my own coconut milk in juice boxes (see item #2) which means I have to check my bag which also means that the milk will explode in my suitcase so I wrapped my clothes in a garbage bag but someone will turn my suitcase upside down and the milk will get into the garbage bag and all over my clothes, leaving me with nothing but the clothes on my back to wear until the end of the week. And because the milk exploded I will have nothing to eat but black coffee and dry rice chex all week. I suppose I could put the rice chex in the coffee while I quiet cry.
  5. I have anxiety disorder and don’t function without my dogs. I have trouble making decisions such as Pants or No Pants on a good day. This week is going to be a fucking shit show. I won’t remember any of it by Friday.
  6. Odds are very good that I will shit my pants in Detroit because this is the sort of stomach ailment that comes with the kind of gas you can’t trust (see items 1 and 2). Am I gonna fart or am I gonna shit? Oh, I see. Both. I’m going to do both. I packed extra underwear and socks.
Advance apologies to everyone on my plane tomorrow.