Saturday, March 16, 2013

Back Off, That's My Sunday

Yesterday I attempted a current events cram session while I cooked and then ate my lunch. The only thing this cram session achieved was to turn me into that person who thinks I know everything until Beast Master throws my utter lack of knowledge in my face and I try to deflect the issue by hiking my leg up on the kitchen counter and offering sex.

Once upon a time I read books. I read them from cover to cover, none those sneak peaks on Amazon for me! I read the shit out of whole books! I perused the Huffington Post, the New York Times and scientific journals at a leisurely pace. Back in the day, I didn’t feel pressured to appear like I give a fuck intelligent by posting interesting articles on LinkedIn. But those days are long gone.

What happened? I don’t have kids, I should have time to read. I could be wrong but I feel like this is why my parents forced me to go to school and got me a tutor when I couldn’t read, write or do math in the third grade. The math thing is still questionable. Please don’t ask me to count back change to you, this is what Excel is for so just back the fuck off. Okay?

Not so many years ago I did my nails and soaked my feet once a week. Now, if I sit still for five minutes, I'm bombarded in my brain by all the stuff I should be doing instead of taking care of myself, end up overwhelmed, watching TV while stuffing my face with Baked Cheetos and feeling sad that I’ll always be squishy if I don’t kick the Cheetos habit.

Therefore, I have made a life altering decision. I will no longer work on Sundays! In fact, I will no longer do anything for anybody but myself on Sundays! I will balance my checkbook! I will do my taxes! I will clean the house play with the dogs! I’m gonna do it all! I’m even going to print out a list I found on Pinterest that tells you when to do stuff around the house because there’s a good chance I wouldn’t remember to get dressed if Beast Master wasn't all like "You gonna put clothes on before you leave the house?". If we’re being honest, I just started remembering to turn off the oven when I take the food out of it. Where’s my gold star?

Anywho, I know it won’t be easy to stick with this decision so I've made a plan!

If some selfish asshat asks me to do something for them on a Sunday, even if they bat their eyelashes at me, I’m going to yell “NOOOO!” But I’m going to yell it in German because it will sound more intimidating. Then I’m going to drop to the ground, squeal like a pig and pretend that I’m having a seizure. 

This is what they used to tell me to do if a guy was going to rape me so I feel that it's the right way to handle the situation.