Thursday, March 13, 2014

Peter Pan Figured It Out And So Have I

“Growing up is a trap," snapped Dr. Robbins. "When they tell you to shut up, they mean stop talking. When they tell you to grow up, they mean stop growing. Reach a nice level plateau and settle there, predictable and unchanging, no longer a threat.” 

I have been accused of weaseling my way out of "grown up" life... in my own brilliant way. I don't know what that means.

This is by no means an unusual occurrence. At least once a week somebody tells me that I'm not a "grown up". It hurts. A lot. It implies that these people don't respect me. They don't see me as an equal (which may actually be complimentary). They certainly don't appear to value my life experience and struggles. Worst of all, they seem to want to be the adult to the child they think I am.

Why do so many people tell me that I'm not "grown up"?

Is it because;

  1. I'm a happy, positive, optimistic person? (I am, I took the test.)
  2. I don't have/want kids and am not married in the traditional sense?
  3. My hair is purple and I have tattoos?
  4. Once a month I have Baked Cheetos for breakfast?

Do these few things negate everything that defines me as a responsible and good citizen of the world or at least my neighborhood?

There is far more evidence to show that I do, in fact, suffer from the suckage that comes with being a "grown up", the definition of which continues to elude even my most vigorous of anthropological investigations;

  • I have a mortgage that is paid on time every month. Ditto on the car payment.
  • I have a job that I relish while attending it regularly at least five days a week.
  • I never miss an appointment - as long as it's on my calendar.
  • I run the dog training program at the local prison. Strictly volunteer and from the heart. 
    • The NC Department of Public Safety trusts me!
  • I provide people training for dog owners without a whisper of monetary compensation even if I notice their 60" flat screen TV.
  • I feed my fish daily and sometimes remember to clean the tank if they behave themselves. Ditto on the dogs. Except the tank part, the dogs don't live in a tank.
  • I go to extremes to keep my behaviorally challenged (aggressive, reactive, fearful) dogs safe from the public and vice versa. 
  • I was a CFO for the largest consulting firm in the world for four years. There was math and it was hard. 

What does it mean to be "grown up" anyway? Should I let society define me, should I define myself or do I remain beyond definition? I'm still not sure. Right now I feel happy, my booty is doctor certified healthy and I straight up shit rainbows.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Lord Help Us, It Snowed In The South

Hey Southerners, here's some things you should know about snow, cars and driving.

1. Don't remove snow from your car with a shovel, you idiot. Use a broom. Preferably a push-broom and watch the paint job.

2. That snow you couldn't be bothered to clear off the top of your car? It's going to kill the person driving behind you when it flies off and hits their windshield, blinding them or breaking it. Either way, the poor schmuck behind you is going off roading because you couldn't be bothered to take a broom to the roof of your car, you lazy bastard.

3. Clear the snow off your headlights and tail lights. It's not rocket science. Snow isn't see through.

4. Stop fucking tailgating. Assholes.

5. Your windshield washer fluid is frozen because mechanics in the South don't believe it gets this cold. Put a bottle of water & dishsoap in your car to spray on your windshield so you can see where the hell you're going.

6. Go home and stay there. Nobody can drive on ice. Nobody.

7. Stop complaining. It snows like this down here once a decade. Fucking enjoy it.

Seriously, how Jacquie Lawson sappy e-card perfect is this scene?

Turns out that Sidekick is a genius.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Yeah, It's Cold. It's Called Winter.

Local schools have a two hour delay tomorrow. Not for snow. Not for freezing rain. There's a two hour delay because it's going to be cold in the morning. The school official types don't want kids to have to wait for their busses in near zero temperatures. Fucking pussies.

Parents, you need to toughen these kids up. Yeah, I know we're in The South but c'mon. Kids can't stand in the cold for 10 minutes?

When I was a kid we didn't have delays because it was cold. Fuck the cold! We had delays for real, tangible shit like a foot of snow or a goddamn hurricane. We also had a school superintendent from Nova Scotia so we didn't have snow days either.

I say that if these kids can zip down a ski slope at top speed or sit in a hunting blind for hours in freezing temperatures, they can certainly wait for a bus for a few minutes in single digit temps.

I don't know, how about dressing the kids in winter clothes or waiting with them? In your warm car.

It's probably a good thing I don't have kids because my tough ass kids would stuff all those cold kids in their lockers. Also, I'd want those kids out of my house as often as possible.

Even in 1989 we knew how to dress for The Cold. Oakleys, Guess jeans and Timberland boots. That's how the cool kids did it.