Wednesday, January 23, 2013

A Tiger, A Panther And My Mother Walk Into My Head

The monkeys and I are hanging out in my parents’ backyard and Sidekick jumps onto a boulder growing through the fence. That’s not a typo. The boulder grew through the fence. I run over to grab him before he jumps into the abyss and there it is. A tiger hiding in the grass outside the fence stalking my dogs! Bitch is not going to get my monkeys! Crazy runs over barking and growling, the tiger starts crawling forward. This is it. I have to move. And make a decision. I grab Sidekick and Crazy by their collars and run for the house. I yell for Boppo and Doodles to get to the house. Boppo makes a beeline (for once) but Doodles stands his ground barking at the advancing tiger. I get the other three in the house and run back for Doodle, screaming at the top of my lungs “GET AWAY FROM MY DOODLE!” I grab him, stuff him under my arm and run. When I look behind me the tiger is climbing over the boulder and has transformed into a black panther. The large cat, not the African-American revolutionary kind of black panther.

Now we’re in the kitchen looking out the sliding door to the patio where three women are standing, wearing lab coats over red dresses and holding clip boards. They're pointing at the house and trying to tell me that I need to come outside so they can talk to me about insulating the house. I’m no idiot! I know they’re the tiger-panther and they want to eat my monkeys. I’m not stupid. I’m a brunette now.

Suddenly the tiger is right there clawing at the sliding door trying to get it open! WHY? Why is this tiger so intent on getting my monkeys? She gets the door open an inch and I am trying so hard to get it closed again but the monkeys are trying to get the door open from the inside so they can fight the tiger! Boppo’s got his nose shoved into the open inch trying to help the tiger open the door. Seriously. We are not on the same wavelength at all. I need to call for help!

I reach up and grab the phone on the wall, it’s a really old one with a hundred foot long twisted up cord. I’ve got it clamped between my ear and shoulder with the cord wrapped around me, the monkeys are getting tangled in it and I call… my mother. Not the police. I call my mother. This is the ensuing conversation:

Me: Ma! Call the police! Three women and a tiger-panther thing are trying to kill us!
Ma: What? Three women? Who are they trying to kill?
Me: They’re the tiger and panther! They want to eat the monkeys!
Ma: Monkeys? Are on you something?
Me: Just call the police! They’re trying to kill us! They’re at the door, I can’t keep them out!
Ma: I’m at a Sisterhood meeting. What’s going on? I’m busy, can I call you back?
Me: Jesus Christ, Ma! Call the police!
Ma: I don’t understand. What do the women have to do with the tiger?
Me: Just call someone! Help us, please!
Ma: I’m busy. Hang up and call the police.
Me: MA! Help! Please!
Ma: You’re not making sense and I’m at a meeting. I have to go now.

So I had a dream that a tiger-panther-woman thing was trying to kill my monkeys and it turns out the whole thing was about my mother. 


  1. Do we somehow have the same mother and no one told me?

    1. Haha! Did your mother also tell you to go to the bathroom so she wouldn't have to see you throw up? Or make you sleep on the floor next to the bed when you were scared of the monsters under your own bed?

      If you answered Yes to any of the above questions it is quite possible we had the same mother.