Monday, April 22, 2013

Lights Are On But Nobody's Home

I have a horrible memory. Awful. I live in a bubble that is exactly this moment in time only. I dated a guy for seven years and I have no idea what color his eyes are. I’ll forget your name two seconds after you tell it to me even though I repeated it three times. If Beast Master disappeared and I had to describe him to the police all I’d come up with is “He has a very round head”.

When you have a memory like mine every day is full of suprises! Like when I order six items from Amazon and they’re all shipped separately and from different vendors. Last week I went to Amazon, pressed ‘Place Order’ and immediately forgot about it.

Two days later a packaged arrived and I thought that someone had sent me a gift. It was cereal. Close enough to a gift, I really like this cereal. The next day another box arrived and I thought that maybe my sister or mom loves had sent me a gift. They hadn’t and I honestly can’t remember what was in the box. Odds are on more cereal. That same day my Lucky Vitamin order arrived and even with their happy green logo printed on every side of the box I couldn’t remember why I’d placed an order with them or what was in it but I was hoping it wasn’t vitamins. It wasn’t, it was stuff for the dogs.

This week a teensy little box arrived from KV Vet Supply and I absolutely could not imagine what was in it or why someone would send me a gift from there. Nobody did. It was Boppo’s arthritis supplement.

Also arriving this week were two other packages. I don’t remember what was in them or where they came from but it's a little insane sad that no matter how many times this happens my first thought is "Yay! A present! For me!"

Do you see how Amazon fucks with my head?

Every single time a box arrives Beast Master and I have this conversation;

Beast: Whadya get?
Me: I don’t know! Do you think someone sent me something?
Beast: Didn’t you just order stuff?
Me: I don’t know! Did I? What did I order? Wasn’t that, like, last month?
Beast: ... No, it was Monday. Open it.
Me: Squeee! You open it, I’m too excited!
Beast: I’m not opening it. You ordered it, you open it.
Me: Weeeee!I’mtooexcited!Maybeit’sagift!Maybesomebodylovesme! OPEN IT!
Beast: Sigh.

Every. Time.
Why he asked me to remind him about something is beyond me.


  1. See, this is why I don't really purchase online stuff a lot. The fact that I would forget what I've bought, when it's much danger can happen there.

    1. I never used to buy stuff online for this reason because if I order something that never arrives I wouldn't know. I finally gave in to Amazon because I live in the middle of nowhere and have so many allergies and my dogs have so many special needs that I can shop for all of our food online instead of spending 5 hours traveling to 4 different supermarkets and still not finding what I need. Plus I got their dog food for $20 less online (w/ free shipping!) than what the store here sells it for and I found the homeopathic allergy meds that Boppo and I take for $3 less/tube at Lucky Vitamins!

  2. Hi Jess, I love the title of your blog and your posts. Wish I could list "compulsive incompetence" on my employment resume. I could try - creative incompetence. Meantime, back when I had actual cash-flow, I loved getting stuff online and delivered to my front door. But what to do with the bubble wrap?

    Best wishes,
    Blog: 50 shades of unemployment

    1. POP IT! Pop the bubble wrap! All of it!