Friday, July 26, 2013

Quick! Act Professional.

Today rounds out my first full month of work... in an office. Every. Single. Day.

We're all having trouble adjusting.

This one has opted to start sleep-shitting instead of adjusting

I'm a consultant and my last gig was pretty sweet because I worked from home! In the consulting world it's rare to get a contract that allows you to work from home. I was spoiled. I got used to it. I forgot basic things about being in public. Like manners and pretending to care appropriate interaction with others so I made a list.

Things I have to remember now that I don't work from home...

  • Don't fart.
  • Don't crack my gum or blow bubbles. According to the lady in the cube in front of me, gum cracking makes people homicidal.
  • I'm very loud. I think these people are going to have to get used to it.
  • Other people don't eat five times a day. They only give me the stink eye because they're jealous.
  • Don't walk around the office barefoot because eiw
  • Don't sit Indian style, especially when wearing a skirt.
  • Constantly getting up to stand at my desk or wander around the office appears to be something only weirdos do.
  • My coworkers will assume I'm doing lines in the bathroom because I drink about 60oz of water, coffee, and tea which means I will knock people down on my way to the bathroom every 30 minutes.
  • Seriously, don't fart.
  • And don't burp either.
  • Don't pick my nose or my ass.
  • People will roam the halls and streets with their heads up their asses phones and when they crash into me it will be my fault because I'm;
    • clumsy
    • lazy
    • an idiot
    • all of the above
  • Wear pants - all the time. No exceptions.
  • People will ask how my weekend was. Every day they will ask. They will ask on Monday, they will ask on Thursday. The only acceptable answer is "Good!" and then I must reciprocate by asking what they did this weekend and hiding how utterly painful this conversation is.
  • Beginning at 10am on Friday's people will want to know if I have BIG PLANS! this weekend. Acceptable answers are:
    • Nope, just relaxing.
    • Nothing much, just relaxing.
    • BASE JUMPING! yelled very loudly.
  • Unacceptable answers to the BIG PLANS! question are;
    • Stalker much?
    • Fuck off.
    • COW TIPPING! yelled very loudly
Stay tuned for stories of epic awkward and embarrassing moments. I've already been caught flexing in the bathroom mirror and face down, ass up under a conference table.

I'm so professional they're erecting a statue in my honor


  1. Hahaha, you would be my favorite coworker if we worked together!! I also hate that what are your plans this weekend comment - what the hell do they care anyway?

    1. It's like the How Are You question. Nobody really wants to hear the truth so we say "Good! How are you?". I like to be honest and watch them try to figure out how to get away.

      Coworker: Hi! How are you?
      Me: I am sooo tired. My dog pooped in her sleep twice last night and I'm exhausted. The first time she pooped in her crate so I put her in my bed thinking she wasn't feeling good and an hour and a half later she pooped in my bed!
      Coworker: ...


      Coworker: Hey, did you have a good weekend?
      Me: No. No, it was awful. I had to go to Walmart and I got caught in a sheep stampede So. How was your weekend?
      Coworker: ...